The Year in Review 2009 and a look at 2010

This year, well semester, has been a mess! I've been juggling lots of responsibilities and sometimes feel as though I have take on too much. Then I remember all the time I spend procrastinating and tell myself no, I just need to work at it.

This semester's grades weren't the best but they weren't the worst. Can I blame the professors? Not this time around.

Being President of the Gay Straight Alliance has been arduous and not as rewarding as one would have hoped. Our meetings showed great potential in the beginning with 55 people in attendance for the first two weeks. The numbers started to decline exponentially. I had no explanation for it. No one would tell us why they weren't coming. It has happened for years, but this year has just brought in a lot of freshmen and not too many people who care. I ran into a graduated member and he said one of the first and most famous president called it the meat market.

Essentially, and I hate to say this, a good portion of the members come to see who is new to Clemson, or to check them out. Then they don't return. It is perfectly fine with me that they don't return, because I don't want them there. That is NOT what the organization for. We are here to protect the interests and rights of the LGBT community on campus. If there was only one person coming to the meetings, or in fact no one, I would still be president and still be doing my job. Their interests and rights are mine as well.

We lost a member to the exec board because he didn't agree with my politics (which were discussed outside of the group, I never bring them to the group). Our website is in great need of revision and actual building. Our webmaster failed to inform me that he would not be returning to school that year and so he couldn't constitutionally hold a position anymore. Members haven't paid any fees yet, but in the constitution it makes no mention of them being mandatory to attend meetings. For me that seems counter-intuitive and we can still hold meetings without funds, just not as many events.

Our events have been lack luster this semester. Everything comes too quick. We need to move from planning a meeting every week to planning at least one or two events a month. People need to start taking the initiative rather than relying on me to keep track and plan events. The execs haven't been doing their job. Thankfully, our constitution has been amended (most of my additions) and the officers' powers have been revised and spelled out. Next semester should have people doing their jobs or they won't have one.

We are redesigning the logo, changing meeting times (our meetings ran into math tests constantly), creating a brochure, putting together a more robust calendar, and contacting more members to see why they aren't coming.

As for being elected editor-in-chief, I have a lot to learn. Our past editor is more than willing to help me out which I couldn't be more thankful for. My staff is excellent and I look forward to more reporting on all venues of the news, more commentary from all ranges of the political spectrum, better copy editing, and a positive gain to our reputation.

The newspaper was once a mouthpiece of hardcore conservatism (in the religious George Bush way). In their defense, they did have free speech zones removed from campus but only by protesting the Clemson Gay Straight Alliance's rally for equality in marriage in 2006. Can you see the irony as me being their editor now? They have been at the forefront of talking about the news no one wants to talk about,pushing the buttons of the liberals, and addressing the controversial issues on campus and off. A raffle for an AK-47 for example.

With Amanda's leadership the commentary has moved from conservatism to libertarianism, even though we still host republicans in the staff. She has moved from a homophobic stance to an all inclusive one. She has helped attract the attention of news agencies across the state and the country. I hope to continue this momentum and attain the reputation this newspaper deserves.

I also signed up for 15 hours of classes, which doesn't sound like much, but as my last semester at Clemson University as a student, its a handful.

I am continuing my position as lead scan tech at the Digital Imaging department of the CU Libraries.

I used to ask myself, "whatever happened to time to yourself." All this work is my time to myself. This is me, this is what I have chosen to take on, and this is what I will accomplish.

Edit: And as far as boys come, the weekends are mine, I will spend them doing work. I can't make sacrifices this semester.

On Sanford and Principles

Sanford is well known for being fiscally conservative; bordering on libertarian. The one thing I know about myself as a libertarian and others is that we have principles and ideals to uphold for ourselves and not just to put on a show. Sanford's ardent opposition to the Stimulus money was thought to be based on a principle of fiscal conservatism. Not wanting to put the future of the state in even more debt and seeing that the way to progress an economy was not to spend money but to conserve it or chip away at previous debt. What we do in the short term has to impact the long term or we would forever be digging a hole that at some point we could never climb out of. Rather than trying to use our hands to get out we need to build a ladder. The ladder symbolizes our long term need for fiscal responsibility to help expand growth. Obama is merely creating another bubble, and those can only stretch so far till they pop.

Sanford recognized this and fought against it. I was behind him trying to fight for our individual rights and monetary responsibility. I thought there was a good, strong hand guiding the Republican party. I thought that if Sanford could push his principles that he could show others that these ideals are the only things keeping us from being people running our lives by whims and ruining the futures of our children. I thought this was a man I could support more than McCain, whom I didn't, or any past Republican candidates.

The past couple weeks have turned that idea upside down. Sanford has done irreparable damage to the image of the party when, now more than ever, it needed a face lift; a rejuvenation of life to get the republican party surging again by adapting to the ideals of a more libertarian view point. My trust in him has been shattered. I am severely disappointed in his leadership and have lost faith in the politics of South Carolina. The rest of our legislators continue to deny the rights of some while screaming at the liberals in Congress to stop infringing on the rights of all Americans. The hypocritical stance of the Conservative party is slitting its own wrists, holding the door open to the liberals to finish sweeping this country of its feet and into their waiting arms.

Sanford's lack of faithfulness to his own wife and children is more than just a slap in the face of the family values he so upheld and used against gay marriage. It is a discredit to the idea of the man having principles. Trust-broken is nearly impossible to regain in my eyes and the eyes of many reason driven individuals across the nation. He defrauded the rest of his ideals with this on-going affair and his statement disclosing the truth does not forgive anything. Any person can apologize, but it takes a strong reason minded individual to never need something to apologize for. Nor would they ever apologize for believing in their values and opinions. Sanford is not this type of man. Maybe once in the past we could have believed that he would be a key figure in leading the Republican movement forward; regaining its lost shine of the Reagan years.

Not now, and not for a while.

-JM

His Hands Were Bound.

His hands were bound. It was dark, wait, that’s a blind-fold over his eyes. He felt the rough polyester texture wrapped around his head and covering his sight. Plastic wrapped his wrists together and no struggle would release their grip. His feet were relatively free but what was the point to kick, he couldn’t see or fight back. Fight back against what though? He couldn’t remember the last thing he was doing or who would do this to him. Confusion pretty much summed up his situation. Footsteps sounded in the room a few feet from him. The reflex to move one’s head in the direction of the sound was strong but what was the point. A second set were heard and felt to his left. One and one makes two he thought. His mouth wasn’t gagged meaning they wanted him to talk. That’s all the name they had: they.

“Why am I here? What do you want?” He pleaded, with an even voice yet a tinge of pleading in his voice. No answer. “How long are you going to hold me here?” Another question, but the same response as last time. He chuckled to himself, and people talk about water boarding being torture. The silent treatment is the worst form of torture. Not knowing what was out there, why he was here, and with no answers to follow his questions was the worst form of torture known to him.

Guess I could try standing up. That should get a response from them, he thought to himself. He leaned forward and pushed up with his legs; bending his arms back to get them from around the back of the chair. A strong hand pushed him back down catching one of his elbows on the side of the chair, sending shrills through his entire arm. Funny bone, he thought, there was nothing funny about that. He could hear a scraping sound now coming from in front of him. The other one seemed to be walking in circles around the room.

“Dammit! What do you want?! Answer me, you bastards!” The man cried out his voice shouting towards the heavens, only to stop at the ceiling. The scraping stopped along with the circle walker.

“Which one of us do you think is going to save you?” The man scraping asked, suddenly going back to his scraping.

“Wha…What? One of you just shoved me back down in my chair and I have no idea what you are doing with my eyes blinded! Which one of you is going to save me?!”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“And you haven’t answered any of mine!”

“You don’t seem to be in a position to be asking questions.”

“I beg to differ. You didn’t gag me,” yet he thought, “and you haven’t told me to shut up. I can question away all I want.”

“Won’t do you any good. Only answering our questions might good be brought to you.”

“I don’t think either one of you is going to save me.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“I have no clue! I don’t even remember where I was!”

“You have always been here.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, I don’t ever remember being.”

“Do you know where you came from?”

“No! I just told you. I don’t know how I got here.”

“We do.”

“So tell me dammit! Where did I come from!”

“No, I’m sorry. That would only set you free.”

“Wait, you just asked me which one of you I thought was going to set me free.”

“Which one then?”

“Where did I come from?” No answer. “Damn you both!” He struggled to get up. The scraping and the pacing both stopped. He didn’t even hear them step over to him. They simply pushed him back down. He could feel their hot breath next to both his ears.

“Please stay seated,” they both said in unison. Their voices were different, the pacer was to his right ear and the scraper was to the left.

The scraper walked away and the pacer remained. “I can unbind you hands but the blindfold must stay.” He walked away and the scraper approached from the left.

“I will remove the blindfold but your hands will remain bound.”

“Can I have both?”

They replied in unison, “no.”

“Why not?”

“That is simply not how it works,” the pacer replied.

He heard a back slam against the wall behind the pacer and scraper. A foot placed itself on the wall and a silent sigh was let out. He then heard both the pacer and scraper about face for a few seconds and then return their attention to him.

“Which is it?” The scraper asked.

“Neither one of you.”

“You have to make a choice.”

“I just did.”

Suddenly the blindfold disappeared. His hands were free. He was in a more comfortable chair and the room wasn’t as congested. He noticed the one who had been posted on the wall. The other two, left and right, were nowhere to be seen. The one left approached him with a smile and a hand extended. “You set yourself free,” the one smiled and said, “now I will tell you where you came from.”

I hope, through at least half of this, you realized who the pacer and scraper are. This is my view of the government and political divide. The left will remove our blindfolds and let us see everything they are doing yet keep our hands bound so that we can’t do anything about it. The right will remove our binds presenting us with the illusion that we can do something, but maintain the blindfold so that we may not see what they are doing. They present us with their opposing sides and expect us to choose between the two of them. We don’t have to pick between the two that will never give us full freedom. We can choose ourselves.

Looking Back on Past Blog Posts

It is always exciting for me when I return to my room at home and sit down on the floor next to my book shelf and start reading things I have written a long time ago and looking at the pictures I drew in elementary school and beyond.

I find it fascinating sometimes when I look at something and I question myself: "Did I really write this?" or "Did I really draw this?" and I guess the simple answer would be yes.

Being part of Digital Imaging at Clemson I realize how important it is to document our past (though the funding for it I don't exactly agree with). We can look back and see what has helped shaped the people we are today and can appreciate or condemn that which has happened.

I've personally come a long way, as would be expected in almost 22 years of living. I think, out of everything that I have been through: meeting my best friend Dan more than a decade ago and going to college, have been the most influential events.

College threw me into a world where I was mostly dependent on myself in terms of a social and professional environment. There was a routine to the days but one I had to come up with, not one my parents or high school dictated for me. I saw a more diverse group of people which was a very important factor in me accepting myself.

I accepted the fact, within a year of attending Clemson University, that I am gay. It took a while, I knew I always thought boys were cute but the thought just never crossed my mind that I would ever love another boy. It was supposed to be girls, that's just the way the world was. And yet, growing up and seeing gay people, I just thought that's who they were. I didn't think it was a choice, I just accepted them. I never had a talk with my parents about what a gay person was or how they felt, or how different they were.

I regret the social conformity that I participated in when it came to name calling. I never called a gay person "gay" or "fag" to their face but when joking with my friends I would say, "thats gay", "you fag" etc. High school is unfortunately not the best breeding ground for proper young adults. That is not saying there is one, but I believe there should be a strong guidance of principles in a child's development. My parents are some of the best that I could ever have hoped to have! I just never used those words in front of them or any other adult.

In college I was exposed to a more socially liberal environment with much less secular conformity and more "Do what you wanna do, we don't care", attitude. People weren't jumping down your throat because you didn't dress the same way or looked differently. College just isn't the place for that. Its a place for you, a student, striving for your future.

I approached my good friend, Hannah, that I have known for most of my life (and whom I dated in middle school :P) and told her I was questioning my sexuality. At the time, she just seemed the most appropriate person I could turn to. She was very supportive and helped me with decisions I would need to make.

I then turned to someone I was more hesitant to tell but someone I knew deserved to know and would possibly be supportive. That night Dan and I went out to San Jose for dinner. I cannot remember my exact words but it definitely had something to do with, "I am not exactly your straightest friend." His reaction was a huge weight off my shoulders, though more weight would still be there for another half a year. He was accepting and more supportive than I could have ever imagined and it still today waters my eyes to have a friend such as Dan. He has been there for me every step of the way and I am forever grateful for his love and friendship.

I slowly informed my first ring of friends and began to branch out. My friend Patrick was going to be my roommate for the Sophomore year of college and I felt it was his right to know. While in the car on the way somewhere, I cannot recall Senator, I said about the same thing to him. Patrick was like, "Ok". Another very supportive friend, and has been ever since just like Dan.

At this point, it was clear to me that I have been an excellent judge in character when it comes to my friends. None of them have turned me away and all are accepting of me. One doesn't usually hit the jackpot in life but I feel as though I did.

As the year progressed I was out to anyone who cared to ask and I began my crusade at the gym to rid myself of being overweight. My facebook and myspace status said interested in men AND women because I hadn't fully accepted that I was gay and would never like being in bed with the ladies. I am sure I could love a woman but not the same way I would a man. My brother noticed this change on my status and questioned me and I simply said yea. The time came when my sister called and questioned me about it.

I was full disclosure with her. I have always been her last bastion of safety with her feelings and I knew she would always be mine. She has trusted me with so much and I felt I could trust her as well. She was fully accepting and a bit excited as well. The next question was how to tell my parents? It was tricky, I was never sure how they would react because we have never approached the subject. My sister had something to tell me as well that night and informed me that she was pregnant.

The summer before Sophomore year, and after I had come out to my friends, I was working at Dodgeland where my dad worked as well. No one there knew I was gay. One day my dad, brother, grandpa, and a few other workers went out to lunch at Chilis I think. I was facing the door, and watching people go in and out as I usually do. One of my dad's co-workers pointed out that I positioned myself so I could watch all the girls coming in. My dad said, "He better be looking at girls and not boys."

This hit me like a sledgehammer, and I was pissed. I became quiet, which isn't unusual since I was not a big talker and still am not, but I never said another word the whole time. It hurt that he would say something like that. I take that comment now as just what I was doing in high school, socially conforming.

I have been saving this post as a draft for the past couple days because it is taking me sometime to collect my thoughts on the matter and a lot of things can happen in just a few days or even one. This past Friday we took my mom out downtown for a couple drinks on her birthday (well the day after). My coming-out story somehow found its way to the top of the list of things to talk about.

This is what I was told happened: My brother informed my mother that he was the straightest son she had. I think this confused her a bit and my dad had said that he had asked me this past summer, which I do not recollect at this time Senator. My mom said she used to always scroll down to the "interested in" section on my "myspace" and take a peek. She had not been checking for a while and that night after my brother's announcement she did and so I was out.

Big deal? Maybe, they haven't acted like it is a big deal but my mom did mention that everything she had envisioned for her son had been turned on its head. My parents are pretty much already egalitarian and very much liberal in their voting as well. They were both military kids though their parents do not support the life style and may not even know about me. My mother is a librarian, a very specialized one, and my dad is one of the nicest fellows you may encounter. He works in a body shop. Both of them practice Conservative Judaism and raised us Jewish. Which of these factors helped to shape their acceptance? Or was it the fact that I am their son and that they love me? Did they know that being gay is not a choice? I cannot answer any of these questions. But I can tell you that they love me for the person I am and the son they raised, and that love is not unrequited.

They have been supportive ever since and I believe they had some hesitations in the beginning about me being fully out, but I no longer get that vibe anymore. My synagogue had a viewing of the documentary "Trembling Before God", which was about orthodox Jews dealing with being gay. It wasn't the most appropriate film for a Conservative audience or one for me to give my opinion about because they are in a different environment. One that is more hostile to gays than their conservative counter-parts. After the viewing we had a discussion and I was put in the spot light to talk about my experience; which I detailed as being a very fortunate one and it makes me sad to think about the terrible stories I have encountered from other gays and gay friends.

It brings tears to my eyes now as I type. My current boyfriend cannot even come out to his family or they would most likely disown him or worse. It is absolutely revolting to think that a parent could hate their child for how they were born and fail to see who they have become. We had a break for coffee and snacks and as I walked to the table my dad said to me, "I am proud of you." That moment was perfect for me. It was one of those times in your life when you are fully emotionally moved by the love of your parent; so much so that it floors you, and this time in a good way.

I joined the Clemson Gay-Straight Alliance and within a year of being a member I ran for the office of Vice President to help promote and protect the interests of the GLBT community in Clemson. The CGSA has made bold new steps this year in its political activities on what one would consider a very conservative campus. I am proud of our members every time they walk into the meeting room and sit down to either have a fun social meeting or a (possibly fun) political meeting. GSA is not a hook-up group or place, it is where Gays and Straights come to share stories and to help each other feel more comfortable in their surroundings and provide long lasting friendships.

I was a major supporter of Obama back when he started running, and had been a die-hard liberal for so many years. I never really questioned "why?". My parents are liberals and persons I have much love and respect for. Then came Ayn Rand and "Atlas Shrugged". My world was totally turned around again. Was I really about to question the idea of a "common good" or "society" or morals for that matter. Why do we have morals? To guide us through our interactions with others? Or rather to guide our lives to pursue our interests and happiness as individuals and human beings.

Upon finishing the book I began to question more and see what Ayn Rand was showing her readers. I found my political niche, my philosophical niche, and myself. I moved away from bleeding blue and moved towards a middle ground. A libertarian view I adopted. Not sure which one my mom took worse, me being gay or me being fiscally conservative!

And so here I am now a secular gay left-handed libertarian Jew who loves everything computer; going outside in the sun; going to the gym; posting on my blogs; chatting, texting, and talking all at the same time; hanging out with all my friends; hanging out with my family when I can; enjoying a good book; enjoying a good movie; having someone to love; having someone to hold; listening to good music; sleeping in; being productive at work; writing stories; drawing; and so much more.

We look back on our lives and have either good things to say or bad things to say. It is always good to look back once in a while and see how far we've come but we must always look forward again and see how far we have to go. I have looked back and have regretted but persevered. I continue to look forward though, and see a road fogged over with uncertainty. But not impassable!

lrn2liberty blog

Due to the ease, efficiency, and "right for me" of Tumblr blogs I will be posting mostly there from now on!


lrn2liberty

The Few

I started to type on my sister's wall just some random stuff about Gods and blah but after the first paragraph I just kept going and moved it to word to make sure it wasn't erased and continued to make it a note on facebook dedicated to my sister. Here it is:

Oh the gods hath placed before me a conundrum of a magnitude Great Thor's thunderbolt could never match. Their juggle of the stars mesmerize those grounded and free the Icaruses of us all. Their flight guides the few and puts fear in the many. They follow the moving lights, twisting and turning by the Gods' playful will. Those Gods whom hath placed this riddle before me.

The few followed the dynamic trail, never stopping, never faltering, never crying. The first to find the end of the lights stopped. The second stopped in front of the first and the third in front of the second.

The Gods only gave them a finite trail but the Icaruses of us all that guides the few and puts fear in the many continued to stop one in front of the other. They pushed past the Gods' trail, they feared not the unknown but the known. The known that was the end; the end of that finite trail.

The Gods, the omniscient Gods, the omnipotent Gods, those Gods that placed that damn riddle before me. They knew not the this power of the Icaruses. They knew not how these Icaruses, the men to be grounded, had lengthened a finite trail conceived by the Gods themselves.

The Icaruses’ line was faulty though, like the Gods trail, their line was finite. Their numbers stifled by the many still grounded. The irony of the two sides was too clear to no one. No one but me. I waited, I faltered, I blinded myself for two decades of a heavenly body’s movements around a greater one. Ah, I cried out, irony strikes at my thoughts again.

Not but one revolution ago, as I looked up, not down, upon those foolish Icaruses flying away. Following a trail that the many knew would end, for the Gods, the omniscient, the omnipotent Gods hath made only a finite trail. My mind jerked my eyes to the heavens, my eyes were thrown into focus for the first time in those twenty plus revolutions.

The water that makes up the essence of the Icaruses, the few, the many, and me burst forth from my focused eyes. Listen Reader! The riddle Reader! The riddle! that the Gods hath placed before me that not even they knew the answer to but they placed it before ME! I know the Answer Reader! The focus was unlike any other that a microscope could compel out of its lens. And the Answer you will learn.

The Icaruses and their few that follow and become them, they are the omniscient and the omnipotent. Not these Gods that hath placed a mere FINITE trail before them. That greater heavenly body was not greater than the one revolving around it. For it did not host those Icaruses.

But there is more Reader! There is more! The many that viewed the foolish Icaruses flying away, THEY created the Gods. They stifled the knowledge of the few only to stifle their own knowledge of their own creation. Reader! Are you seeing the vast irony that consumes this story?! Are your eyes in focus too?

If not, than you are the many.

If so, than you are me.

Do you wish to know the end of the story?
The Icaruses and the few never stopped stopping in front of each other. Their trail...their path...because of me, it was infinite, and unlike the many, whose trails stopped from fear of the Gods they had created, the few never died. How could they? They were the true Gods. Those that never stopped, faltered, or cried on their way to the end of this trail. They created an infinite trail of the known. And it continues as I continue it.





My comments:

• Yes I know Icarus got too close to the sun and died but that is not the point of this story, the name merely applies to the act of defiance of the ground.
• The stars freeing the Icaruses means they wish to pursue that which they are told by the many should never be pursued, nothing mystical in its meaning.
• The Icaruses never stopped, yes they stopped one in front of the other, but they went beyond a finite trail, thus not stopping on this trail.
  

Israel's Uncertain Future - News and Opinion

Israel's Uncertain Future - News and Opinion

This is a link to my most recent article for The Tiger Town Observer.